• Bring reinforcements, ideally two disinterested parties – one to wait in fitting-room queues while you riffle through the rails of itty-bitty Kate Moss frocks, and another to stand with arms ready to catch said frocks as you hurl them over the heads of your competitors. Fellow shoppers, that is.

• Pack earplugs. The carefully cultivated pop-hipster atmosphere tends to assert itself through an eardrum-bursting soundtrack.

• Wear layers, or leave your shame at home. Anyone lacking the aforementioned queue assistant will be in for a long, long wait for the fitting rooms. Far more efficient, then, to find a discreet corner, strip, and try on your super-skinnies in full view of the women who wish they’d thought of it first.

• Don’t be afraid to push. They’re not your friends, just a horde of Alexa Chung imitators. And if they are your friends … why did you bring them?

• The sales assistants do not exist to “assist” you. Rather, they are present to demonstrate how to wear a £10 shoelace as a headband. Nothing betrays novice Topshop status like asking for help. Don’t be that girl.

• Grab everything. Even if you’re not sure you like it – because later, when you see someone else trying on that neon leopard-print playsuit and begin to think that it might be just the thing for an ironic day at Coney Island/Central Park picnic, there’s no way you’ll be able to find it.

• When in doubt, imitate the English – balance clashing prints with black opaques, and just when you think the outfit is perfect, throw a nubby cardigan on top.

• To beat the crowds, shop online. It’ll leave more space for the rest of us.